How to Sports: Playing Pick-Up Hoops

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This is a topic is no longer relevant to me but still dear to my core. I played basketball growing up and was pretty f’n good at it for a short-slow-white guy (not to brag). I spent my summer walking down to what we Chula Vistanites call Parkway and played for hours each day with my friends.

Pickup hoops has its own culture. You have to earn your right to get on the court, and then you have to earn respect to stay on it. As a youngster I marveled at the parkway legends, until I got to high school then I was facing off against them. These are literally my favorite memories as a former basketball player who played competitively from ages 5 to 20.

But now I‘m thirty and don’t play anymore. I’m just not good anymore. Yes I can wet it up from outside like Larry Legend still, but a couple times up and back the court and I’m sore for three days. I like to golf now like an adult. 

Nevertheless, I have thousands of hours logged in the field so I basically have a PhD on the matter. Here I will give you some advice on how to play no matter your talent level, with some help from the lovely people of twitter.   

Lets start out with the obvious, but at the same time life saving advice:

If you want to be laughed for a minimum of 5 years by the court frequenters then wear jeans. "You remember that time that virgin wore jeans out here? Holy shit he probably sits down to piss even when he's sober." More on the hat guy below.

Couldn’t disagree with this more. You see some clown wearing a hat at the gym? - Guard him. That guy is trash and has no revere for the game. Wearing a hat while playing basketball is the most disrespectful move in pickup etiquette. Shutting that guy down offesnively will help your team to a victory while getting a well earned dap from your teammates. Plus, if you don’t have two left feet you can probably take that hillbilly to the hole and at least make the other people watching think you can play.

Same goes for a guy wearing chucks, vans, or skater shoes. Crazy disrespectful to everyone at the court, and the court itself. Although be careful of the guy wearing New Balances. That’s a shoe choice to throw you off, that man has game trust me.

Exception to this rule:

Good call.

Good advice from an obvious role player back in high school. So you’re not that good but you love to compete. Respect. Physical fitness is the X factor in pick up. If you can sprint up and down the court, you’re going to annoy the f*ck out of the guy guarding you and end up with some easy buckets. Other guys will take notice and you’ll be the Bruce Bowen of the day, and maybe the rest of your career at that court. And Rebounds? Can't win without them. If you grab some O-Reb and immediately pass it back to the best guy on your team, he'll remember next week when you show up and he'll pick you up.

Both of these practices will get you exiled. If you show up looking like Ashy Larry or Walter White that's a sure way to disturb the peace and would make anyone want to take their ball home like  a young Isaiah Thomas (pick one) would. To be fair everyone want abandon the court, until they got annoyed enough to beat the shit out of you. 

That could also likely happen by being the ticky-tack call guy. Probably the most hated guy in all of Pick-Up hoops. Nothing pissed me off more than scrub who calls EVERYTHING. No one wants to play against that guy, and no one wants that guy on their team. 

Lastly, don't be the black hole like Sandy Lyle. Don't be the guy that shoots every time he gets it, even if you're clearly the best guy on the team. Get your teammates involved because they'll end up going back to you if you deserve it.