Varsity Blues is a straight up banger. What I like to call a once-a-year movie. Quotes galore. Laughs abundant. Plus it gives you that feeling of wanting to be on the field in the moment, it brings the chills. It can remind you of your own glory days. It basically gives you what every sports movie should give you, so say thank you and appreciate its prestige.
Take a look at that cast too! The Beek as Mox, Scott Caan as Tweeter, Paul Walker as Lance Harbor, and Jon F'n Voight as the head coach. Had to google Ron Lester who plays Billy Bob because I've always called him Billy Bob. Wendell (played by Eliel Sweinton, actual FB player)is the token black RB that knows his HC is a racist in addition to a butthole before everyone else (Damn Mox...I thought you knew).
I'm not going to give you the synopsis or break down everything that happens, because I know you'll want to watch this when you're done reading. I'm just going to breakdown some of the highlights, starting with the coaching legend who is actually a living nightmare for his players. Hmmm, sounds familiar.
Bud Kilmer
If you didn't experience the raw power of a high school varsity football coach in a small town in Texas like myself, you imagine the guy from West Canaan:
This MF puts his hand up and the entire school goes mute. Even the nerds put away their gameboys and the drunks put away their flasks to stfu and listen to Coach Kilmer speak. I don't know how realistic this is since I grew up in Chula Vista and no coach of mine ever had that dominance over a school. But I remember Two-A-Days and I'm sure AF that coach could kick anyone out of that school if he wanted an no one would blink an eye. The South cares more about high school football then you care about your children.
This however, is definitely realistic:
Voight absolutely caaa-rushed this role so well that Teddy Leitner stood up at home and applauded. I could write this whole thing on Bud Kilmer, but that would be a disservice to all of you. Just one last clip of Bud chewing out Mox, however I want you to pay attention to the dialogue of the parents watching practice, because it is GOLD:
Holy hell that is fantastic. One of my favorite lines of the movie is "Shit them boys is havin' the time of their lives." When my friends and I are out and about raging hard, someone eventually drops that line and the rest of us ERUPT with excitement. Naturally someone follows up with "no doubt about it."
The Crew - Lance, Tweeter, Billy Bob, and Mox
These four guys grow up together as best friends in their small shit-hole town and are all now seniors in high school making the most of it. Lance is the stud QB with a full ride to Florida St, Tweeter is the WR, Billy Bob plays OL (duh), and Mox is the content backup QB dreaming about life outside of Texas.
These guys get after it on and off the field, like any other high school stud athletes pre millennial era. And yes that's a young brunette Amy Smart dropping the classic "Nothin' but Net!" line playing quarters. I did my fair share of wild and dumb stuff like anyone else, but never had the ambition to steal a cop car while butt ass naked like ol' Tweeter.
Things go great until Billy Bob gets his 30th concussion and Lance tears up his knee losing his senior season and career. That's when Mox becomes the man and Lance's girlfriend (Ali Larter) now eyes the new prize in one of the most famous VB scenes ever.
The boys have their up and downs as the movie progresses, which includes getting their ass beat after pulling an all-nighter at a strip club where they find out Miss Davis the health teacher is also a stripper (every boy's dream?).
Last Game
Playing for another District Title, the Coyotes suffer another injury, this time it's Wendell and Kilmer dusts off Lance's old needle to fix the problem. That's when shit hits the fan:
Fire Quotes not mentioned above in no particular order
"I don't want you life" - Mox
"You're Daddy was a no talent pussy but at least his listened!" - Coach Kilmer
"They put them wieners on the glass at the Alano Club, while the ladies were rehearsing the Christmas pageant" - Police Officer
"A ten....a ten, a f'n ten!" - Billy Bob
"It makes me wonder whether you know the difference between a sneeze and a wet fart" - Coach Kilmer
"My mom doin' my recruiting, she got Grambling comin' to see me" - Wendell
"What is this shit! I ain't interested in your f'n muscles" - Coach Kilmer
(singing) "She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw" - Tweeter
"Fire that F'n pigskin" - Mox's Dad
Still not convinced? Watch this and see if it doesn't tickle your pickle:
RIP Lance Harbor and Billy Bob.
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