By Doug Peters
I can’t refresh twitter anymore these days without reading another article talking about various Padres prospects and their hypothetical rankings. We get it, the Padres farm system is loading and it’s fun to talk about.
But today we are going to rank something far more important…dugout snacks.
Anyone that was played baseball or softball at any level likely has a favorite snack that they like to munch on or drink in between innings or out in the field. Great news: now you get to see an expert ranking of dugout snacks. But Doug, what makes you think your rankings qualify as “expert”?
First off, there’s no less than 3 different sunflower seed flavors in my pantry. Also, my twenty or so plus years of baseball experience (Suspect -Editor’s note) have been as a first baseman, where I basically just hugged the line and spit seeds until it was time to hit again.
Drinks will be included in the rankings as there are really only 3 acceptable drinks to take into a dugout. Here are the official Power Rankings:
7. Water
There were always a couple kids in little league that would have bottles of water, usually the ones that were trying to steal/share your sports drink with you. Water is for washing blood off your uniform, and you better not get any blood on there because the league is going to reuse them next season.
6. Peanuts
While undoubtedly a delicious ballpark snack, they slip down the rankings due to their difficulty as a dugout snack. Now I’m sure there are some savages out there that are taking their peanuts bags into LF, but for the rest of us they would be a no go on defense. In the dugout they are a hassle at best, and a messy distraction at worst.
5. Cracker Jacks
I remember playing little league with a kid who would always have a box of Cracker Jacks to snack on in the dugout. It was a pretty badass move back then considering most kids only got the Jacks on trips to old historic Qualcomm to see the Padres, Aztecs, and Char….erhm…football.
Honestly, if I had been loved enough to be given Cracker Jacks on game day, it would almost certainly be #1.
4. Gum
I am only slightly ashamed to admit that I still cannot blow a bubble to save my life. But that does not mean I don’t appreciate a nice wad of Big League Chew from time to time. Gum gets bonus points for being one of the most efficient snacks on the list as you only have to touch it once. No constantly reaching into bags, unscrewing lids, etc. And of course we can’t forget about the always classic, “bubble gum bubble on unwitting teammates hat” prank. Classic.
3. Beer
If you are 21 or over and not playing professionally, then you have no excuse for not having a cold one in the dugout with you. Beer serves the dual purpose of loosening you up so you play better; plus, if you don’t, you really don’t care. Not to mention, all those aches and pains that weren’t around when you were 12 are suddenly gone! Beer would be a serious contender for the #1 spot if not for the fact that you can’t enjoy it during your prime playing years.
2. Sports Drink
Sorry Gatorade/Powerade/Kirkland Sports drink, you want my exclusive endorsement you gotta back up the money truck on LKs lawn. Until then, “Sports Drink” as a whole comes in 2nd. Personally, when I feel like I’m going to die after trying to leg out a double, there’s only one thing that keeps me going. Some beautiful Red or Orange flavored drink. Some people will argue that a drink does not belong on a dugout snacks ranking. These people have either A.) never been in a dugout, B.) are dumb, C.) both.
1. Sunflower Seeds
It really was a no brainer here when it came to the #1 dugout snack. Seeds go hand in hand with Americas past time and are rightfully the favorite of many big leaguers.But why?
When I think about what else likes seeds, all I can think of are my mom’s goddamn parakeets. How can something that is part of a small, annoying bird’s diet be so great on the diamond?
The Flavors
Sweet, salty, spicy, sour. You name it and there is probably a sunflower seed flavor of it out there.
During my formative seed spittin years, you did not have the options you do now. Original, BBQ, and Ranch were your choices at most stores and all were great options. And if you are eating seeds correctly, you should only have to dive into the bag every so often to reload your cheek. Remember, only rookies put one seed in their mouth at a time.
Don’t agree with my rankings? By all means, tell me what your favorite is and try to convince.
Spoiler alert: you won’t. I’m a little winded from all this ranking so I think it’s time to grab a nice, cold, Red flavored sports drink and go spit some seeds at the downstairs neighbor’s plants.
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